Ah yes, it's that time of year for cold noses and foliage. Break out the sweaters (and what a plethora of sweaters you have), lace up your boots and hit the streets. Take note and enjoy the colors, scents and gourds of plenty. But amongst all of the yams you must beware of the scams.
During this season of giving, there will be many takers. Watch out for co-workers who stiff the Santa grab-bag, picking out a hot new DVD while only contributing a five dollar Starbucks gift card. Forget Starbucks. Watch out for your friend who forgets his wallet and will "get you back next time." There is no "next time." Watch out for those holiday partygoers who bring a six pack of Pabst, and drink the Grey Goose and Heineken. Not a bad call.
Bums with new sneakers, punk rockers with no tattoos, cheap hookers, gratuity included bills, meter maids, Bloomberg, Bush, re-enactors, exaggerators, pathological liars, girls gone wild camera crews, ego trippers, the flu, Chlamydia, bad weed, fast food establishments, publishers clearing house, credit cards, Cutco knives, fat cats, drunk dialers, NASCAR, ex-girlfriends turned lesbian. They are out there. Be wary.
When all the leaves clear a lot can be seen. With terror threats high, I don't think Santa has clearance to come to town this year. Think of all the packages to be inspected and all of the no fly zones. He'd have to forget the sleigh and travel by cargo ship. Since Santa can't swim, I'll be telling you who's been naughty or nice, or stupid and what have you.
- Ladies who wear scarves and seasonal broaches - Nice.
- Women who complain about the cold while not utilizing their hood and wearing open toed shoes - Stupid.
- People who offer their warm beds to others they just met - Naughty.
- Those who appreciate the warm beds - Very Nice.
- Drunk drivers - Very Stupid.
- Designated drivers - Extremely Nice.
- People who take hung-over sick days - Naughty.
- Those who take hung-over vacations - Nice.
- Broke people who make their own gifts - Nice.
- Broke people who give Canal Street bootlegs - Naughty.
- Comics who bust their butts to fill a room - Nice.
- Bringer producers who falsely promise industry showcases and advancement possibilities - Naughty.
- The takers and ungrateful miserable grouches - Sad.
- The creative, thankful and enthusiastic - Super Nice.
There you have it. I could go on for days (seven, eight or twelve respectively) but I have the sudden urge to spread maize, hide matzos and drink eggnog.
I finally figured out what to do with all these gourds… Put them in cornucopias.
Safe and happy holidays to you all.
You can e-mail Josh Filipowski at like2laugh@hotmail.com or visit him at www.like2laugh.com.
