Has your inner morning monologue ever sounded like this? "Woah, my head is killing me. What time is it? I need water. I'm not going to move from this spot all day…. This exact spot…. All day.... And I'm never drinking again."

Thought so. Me too. And, just when you think it can't get any worse it does. BZZZZ. Your cell phone begins vibrating and you ask yourself 'Who the fuck is calling me?' and worse off 'Gasp, who did I call last night?'

First, wait for the vibrating to stop. It's never advisable to answer the phone immediately upon awakening. Now grab your phone and play 'Who'd I Drunk Dial?' Make sure to scroll down to see them all! An old college buddy in California-cool, that must have been fun. The girl you were making out with at the bar: Little Sudden. Your ex at 4:37 a.m. (While standing outside their building) - not cool. Your boss-oops!

Cellular technology has created yet another uncomfortable situation, a restraining order, and a rise in the unemployment rate. It may have seemed like a great idea at the time, but drunken dialing is never the answer.

Back in the '90s, late-night booty calling, or phoning a love interest to invite them over, was an accepted practice. Land lines and sometimes beepers were used for this purpose. However, these booty calls went out with Prince's party in 1999.

The booty call of the '90s has eroded to the desperation drunk dial of the '00s. Facilitated by mobile phones with hundreds of stored phone numbers, drunk dialing is on the rise, especially nights and weekends. Free minutes conveniently coincide with prime drinking hours.

A good drunk dialer works when slipping off to "the bathroom" or while "goin for a smoke" so their friends do not feel neglected and remain unaware of the completed calls. However, this can be falsely reassuring the next day.

"Did I call the ex last night?"

"No I didn't see you make any calls."

If calls are made in plain view of others, the dialer is considered rude by present company and unhappy witnesses are produced.

"Did I call the ex last night?"

"Uh, yeah dude…."

"Well, what was I saying?"

"You don't want to know."

What is said during the drunk dial is usually unknown or foggy at best. Return call messages with varied responses leave clues, like the simple; "Please stop calling me." And the more complex, "If you call my girlfriend one more time I will kick the shit out of your mom." And, "Go to the diner and order the pancakes, no syrup. Get up and head to the bathroom. In the second stall, pick up the stash and leave the cash. Them's good pancakes!"

Through these messages past nights are slowly pieced together. With additional hungover calls, witnesses fill memory holes, and numbers of strangers and exes are deleted from phones. Over time, new numbers will be acquired and more calls will be made. Sober or drunk when you hit send, there is a phone at the other end. Will you be coherent? Clear? Concise? Will they return your call? That remains to be seen.

My advice to you is to abandon this new technology and move to Amish Country. They make good pancakes. *If your cell phone has an audible ring tone-you are an asshole. No one else cares that you are getting a phone call so just keep it to yourself from now on, thanks.

You can e-mail Josh Filipowski at like2laugh@hotmail.com or visit him at www.like2laugh.com.